based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
