You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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