i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
