I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
