If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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