His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We're too hungover to prance.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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