I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
