My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
