Will you blow on my dice?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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