Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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