I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
