nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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