What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
