You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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