my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
