Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
