my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
