Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
