Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
