girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
