I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
