On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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