Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
