New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
