I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
