My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
