matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
