apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
