My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
