I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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