Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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