Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i need some magic done to my vagina
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
