I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
