Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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