I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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