i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
