Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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