if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
