turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
