dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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