Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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