I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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