I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
