Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
