Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
