I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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