so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize