Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Enjoy the penises
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
