Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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