The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
