i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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