i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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