I looked at my own cervix.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize