I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
