Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
