i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am midnight drunk by noon
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
