ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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