anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
