how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
