Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
