You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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