i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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