My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
