You can't special order awesome
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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