Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
