Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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