Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
